At the beginning of that year, my only exposure to punk had been back in 1986, when, on a family trip to Minneapolis, we went downtown to an area where, I was told, there would be punks. I had no idea what that meant, being barely 6, but when I saw a guy with a leather jacket and spiked green hair, I knew right away. "There's one!" I shouted. My parents freaked out while the guy smirked; they thought he might come beat us up or make us take drugs. In reality, I probably made his day.
( Read the full essay, which goes on to explore the impact of "Dookie," the backlash (including my experiences seeing them live in 95), the reactionary nature of the punk scene (including the reaction of "punks" to Epitaph Records signing Tom Waits in 1999), and the progression of Green Day as a band )
Went out vintage shopping on Saturday and found a brown corduroy sport jacket that really suits me (pun not intended), as well as a mustard yellow cardigan that, worn with a black turtelneck neck, gives me a look somewhere between "Captain Kirk at home" and "Luke Gets His Medal at the End of Star Wars." Very retro. I haven't worn anything yellow in years. Possibly not since my first grade school picture. Or maybe it was kindergarten, even.
Today: tight brick red shirt under a grey unbuttoned button-down and a fedora.
What else should I get?
It's really not a fair question. Asking a 29 year old guy about that whole scene is like asking a 12 year old what he think of Barney and Friends. It's not meant to appeal to me. But I can certainly understand why girls like it.
Girls who ask me the question want me to say "yes! It's not just a book, it's art!" Everyone else wants me to deconstruct all the ways it manipulates those girls and rant about the prose, the plot, the characters, or Bella's IQ. But I'm tired of hearing those rants. For one thing, too many of the anti-Twilight rants I've read fall into the same pitfalls: judging it based on whether you want Bella to be your best friend or not, or after only reading five pages, or based on how well it follows the rules on some "how to write" website. I certainly don't like it when people judge MY work by those standards. In any case, it's not fair to judge Twilight as though it were trying to be a landmark of serious literature. The point of the book is not the plot or the prose; it's making teenage girls fall in love with a vampire (and imagine themselves as the protagonist).
The party line in the YA world seems to be "whether the books are good or bad, it's been great for YA literature." I disagree with this - if you write books for boys, it's been very bad you. Nearly every YA book that comes out these day has to cater to the Twi-hard in order to sell, since so many of the other readers have been scared right out of the section. Certainly the series has attracted new readers into the world of books, but the jury's still out on whether it's attracting more than it's scaring away. I'm certainly not comfortable feeling like my career is dependent on what girls who love Twilight think of me, or whether they want my characters to be their best friend or their boyfriend, but if it comes down to that, it isn't Stephanie Meyer's fault.
Being so far out of the target demo, the book is not really for me to like or dislike. But part of my job as a satirist is to jump on the bandwagon and stick a Garfield doll in the window.
So there you have it. My evasive answer.
While I'm spreading punk songs around, I'm in a "montage of trying on different clothes to the strains of a new wave song" mode lately. Reinventing myself and all that. Today I picked up a brown corduroy blazer and a brown cardigan to wear over a turtleneck - I look like I belong in a movie with an opening credit sequence by Saul Bass (who, in addition to those paper-cut-outs-and-jazz title sequences, made one of my favorite cartoon shorts ever: The Edifice
Some cool news regarding the recent release of I Kissed a Zombie and I Liked It that I need to keep quiet about, and things have been delightfully busy here at Smart Aleck Headquarters since my appearance on Coast to Coast with Georgy Noory on Tuesday!
This struck me, even at the age of 12 or 13, as a pretty obvious lie. How in the world could there be an elderly couple - one who spoke English, owned a TV and a phone, and had money to throw around - who had never heard of Christianity? And why in the world would such a couple send money to Pat Robertson?
Since then, I've noticed a certain comforting order to the world - when disasters happen unexpectedly, we can always take comfort in the fact that some things that we expect to happen will. Like, every time an unexpected disaster comes along, Pat Robertson will show up to say something awful about how the people who died deserved it because of something they or their ancestors or their society did.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out who he's preaching to - it's people who are horrified that bad things can happen to good people, and take comfort in knowing that this wasn't really the case. When those 100,000 people died, it wasn't just some random disaster that could happen to anyone, including them: those people died was because their ancestors opr government had done something to tick God off. All things have been done decently and in order, and sending a few bucks to ol' Pat will make you safer.
Pat's just doing his job. I don't for second believe that the man is actually religious - in fact, I'm quite sure the man is an atheist. I don't mean that he's fooling himself about his religious beliefs, and that deep down he doesn't believe. I mean that on no level does he believe a word that he's saying. The man is just a regular con artist, and nothing besides.
Schools are still open - they just don't close 'em around here. The plows make short work of things (and I don't know who has the salt contract around here, but they sure do milk it!) But the sidewalks are still largely a mess - tromping around on the sidewalk is a real trick.
I started reading The Wolves of Willoughby Chase last night. It's one of those classic kids books that I never got around to, but the first couple of chapters are pretty stupendous.
I'm also finally getting around to Star Trek. I watched Next Gen in middle school, and I've seen enough of the original stuff to have a general idea what's going on (and get most of the jokes at any given filk), but I'd really never watched the original series. My geek cred has some gaping holes in it (Return of the King? There's only one thing that returned, and it's the JEDI, yo). But I watched the new Star Trek movie the other day and enjoyed it tremendously. Star Trek Season 1 was available to watch instantly on Netflix, so I've started my mission to seek out episodes I haven't seen (which is most of them).
We're thinking of moving to the suburbs. I love the city and all, but as my 20s draw to a close, I really could use some more space. And in the suburbs, you can walk down the street without anyone asking you for money, and know that when you go out to eat, you'll be able to get parking. I take the busses and trains every day and all, but about every six month they threaten to shut those things down. We do have some pretty good burbs in this city - many of them are old railroad towns with a really nice downtown area, older houses (suburban construction got really bad in the last 20 years. You know that song "Little Boxes?" It's way worse now. They don't make green ones and yellow ones any more.), lots of independent stores (and good ones, not just places that sell candles) and none of the ickiness that I associate with small towns. Seriously, so many small towns have lovely old town squares, but you walk around them and get the impression that everyone there has a shrine to Norman Rockwell and the Holy Virgin June Cleaver. And, anyway, you can always hop on the metra trains and be downtown in half an hour. If we move, my main requirements are we must live walking distance to that suburb's downtown area and the train. That's possible in most of them - these towns were there before the standard city planning for suburbia kept the houses far from the business districts.
Speaking of suburbia, last night I dreamed I was in Cornersville Trace, the town where most of my books take place, showing people around. I don't think I've ever dreamed myself into one of my books before.
Also, here's a terrific shot of my stepson making his own AT AT and Death Star while watching Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back on New Year's Eve:
Anyway, the new page is up and running, borrowing most of the visual elements of the old version, only a whole lot cleaner!
Did you ever play with Playmobils? They're just plain toys. Every now and then they'll make something with very minor electronic capabilities, like a light that turns on, but more often it's just regular toy planes, horses, people, etc. They don't try to teach you anything, they don't sing songs, they don't have articulate ankles or elbows (the people just move at the neck, shoulders and hips). No highly detailed sculpting, even - they're one of the last toys standing where you have to let your imagination do most of the work. And, best of all, they now make Playmobil Art Museum Thieves.
I'm not kidding. See?
The Playmobil police have to have someone to arrest, right?
Last time we were at Anderson's, a book/Playmobile shop in Naperville that we simply adore, I was checking out their Playmobil selection, there were two things I noticed: one was a collection of scruffy-looking guys in suits who came with a sports car, briefcases, and colorful money. The boxes never say what the stuff is supposed to be - they just show you a picture and let you make your own conclusions. I decided that these guys were supposed to be European no-goodniks.
But even better was the museum thief set: in the set you got a display case with a crown in it, plus an easle with a portrait of some dude wearing the crown. Then you get two guys wearing masks who come with a bag, a grappling hook, and a fishing pole, and various other thieving-tools. The fishing pole allows them to steal the crown through a hole in top of the case.
Now THAT I had to own. I haven't bought many Playmobils over the years, though I still have a tub of them from when I was a kid. I brought it home with me and forgot I'd bought it at all until Aidan (my six year old stepson, for those of you just tuning in) noticed it. We opened it up and he proceeded to spend HOURS playing with it. Soon, he had personalities for each guy (one was "the smart guy" and one was "the guy who always messes everything up.") Using the grappling hook, he soon had them repelling down every vertical surface in the apartment, attempting to steal whatever they could find.
Tomorrow morning he'll be getting the big Playmobil airplane set.
I have no real beef with electronic toys, though I don't REALLY think any toy, let alone practically every toy, needs to count to ten and sing songs. No one's REALLY going to learn anything like that from their teddy bears or fire trucks, are they? That's what TV is for.
(here're the European no-goodniks)
SELZER, Adam. I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It. 192p. Delacorte. Jan. 2010. PLB $12.99. ISBN 978-0-385-90497-1; pap. $7.99. ISBN 978-0-385-73503-2. LC number unavailable.
Gr 7 Up–For 18-year-old Algonquin “Alley” Rhodes, living in an era in which vampires, werewolves, and zombies are the norm is not what it’s cracked up to be. Unlike most human girls at her high school, dating, especially the undead variety, is the last thing on her mind. Alley just wants to leave Cornersville Trace, go to college, and make something of herself. But then, while critiquing a local band for the school newspaper, Alley the Ice Queen falls head over heels for the guest singer. Like Alley, Doug truly loves music, and she feels as if he is singing just for her. They begin dating, and Alley overlooks what is obvious to everyone else. Doug isn’t just a Goth–he isn’t even human–he’s a zombie. As Alley’s world is turned upside down, she must make decisions with major ramifications for her future. The story is original, funny, unpredictable, romantic, and tragic. Selzer explores some basic teen issues like love, friendship, acceptance, commitment, and loss in a way that is realistic and that will make readers question their own values. An excellent addition to libraries with an occult following.–Donna Rosenblum, Floral Park Memorial High School, NY
SELZER, Adam. The Smart Aleck’s Guide to American History. 326p. photos. reprods. further reading. index. Web sites. CIP. Delacorte. 2009. PLB $15.99. ISBN 978-0-385-90613-5; pap. $12.99. ISBN 978-0-385-73650-3. LC 2009003897.
Gr 8 Up–In the style of acclaimed writers Jon Stewart (The Daily Show) and Steven Colbert (The Colbert Report), this witty, comedic, and appealing volume abandons the world of historical dates and battles to fill in some of the gaps in young Americans’ knowledge of their country’s history. Readers learn of General Washington’s rebellion against the “basic rules of boating safety” as well as encounter James K. Polk’s mullet (“Business up front, party in the back, baby.”) while benefiting greatly from the book’s efficient presentation of pivotal themes and events such as the American Revolution, Civil War, and Civil Rights Movement. This clever and informative work follows a chronological arrangement from early exploration to the inauguration of President Barack Obama in January 2009. Each chapter concludes with a “Some of the Stuff We Missed” section, essay questions such as “Who was the bigger jerk, Hitler or Stalin?”; vocabulary words; and multiple choice “End-of-Chapter Questions” that range from “What do you think happened to those Croatoan guys–and what gave you that idea?” to “What Civil War guy had the best nickname?” Small black-and-white photos and reproductions appear throughout. The companion Web site contains supplemental information, links to relevant documents and other sites, and “Assignment Alerts!” for further exploration. This informal approach is sure to appeal to even the most reluctant of readers.–Brian Odom, Pelham Public Library, AL
Selzer (Andrew North Blows Up the World) takes a delightfully wicked but thoughtful poke at teenage infatuations, vampire groupies, and pretentious goths. It's been years since “post-human” vampires, werewolves, and other undead creatures came “out of the coffin” to protest Megamart's exploitation of zombies as stockroom workers. But 18-year-old Alley Rhodes can't help rolling her eyes at her classmates' continuing obsession (“teenage vampires are a pain in the ass—they never actually mature... but dating one has become the ultimate status symbol”). Then moody singer Doug catches her heart, and she's soon reconsidering her plan to flee Iowa for college in Seattle. She loves his authentic goth look (pale skin, unkempt hair, “moth-eaten suit”), but she's forgotten the first rule of modern dating—Google him. Doug died four years ago, and he's still wearing the suit he was buried in. Now all of her preconceptions are out the window and she has critical decisions to make. With snappy dialogue and a light, funny touch, Selzer creates a readable examination of love, self-sacrifice, and where to draw the line before you lose yourself. Ages 12–up. (Jan.)
Still working on getting the "soundtrack" going!
Also bought a hosting account for smartalecksguide.com and am touching that page up. It's going to be advertised on google, facebook, hulu, and a set of locker posters in middle schools, so I need it to be ready for prime time! My first few copies of the "final" version of the book arrived yesterday, and look GREAT! Very glad they used the inside of the front cover for my list of "other books in the smart aleck series," including The Smart Aleck's Guide To:
... Fountain Pens of the 19th Century
...Macrame
...Spelling - the Smart Aleck Way!
...Taking Over a Chain Store
...Avant Garde Educational Films
...Bob Dylan's Early Years: 1969-64
...Bob Dylan's Late Early Years: 1965-76
...The GI Joe / Cobra War of 1982-86
...Bob Dylan's Middle Period: 1978-87
...Bob Dylan's Never Ending Tour Era: 1988-Present
...Blackmail!
...Stamps, Stamps, Stamps!
...Bawdy Tavern Songs
Plans for today - in about ten minutes, I will finish reading "Martin Chuzzlewit," which is a very good book that deserves to be rediscovered. One of Dickens' lesser known books, it wasn't even THAT popular when it came out (which is why Dickens wrote Christmas Carol in the middle of it - he needed money). But something about that book changed him, in my opinion. The quality of Chuzzlewit installments skyrockets around the time he wrote "Carol." There are scattered great parts in the beginning, but the last 1/3rd or so REALLY picks up. The standard line among academics is that his first "plotted" book was the next one, "Dombey and Son," but Chuzzlewit is WAY more coherent than any of his previous books had been, and seems very well crafted.
After that, I'll head to work. This evening, Ronni and I are hanging out with Amy Vincent, a vampire writer we met last week.
Off to read!
But I've spent the last month or so making my way through Martin Chuzzlewit, a book that's mostly forgotten now, but which I've really enjoyed. There're a lot of dull parts in the middle, and scenes that go on too long, but overall I'm rather entertained by it. The scenes that take place in America are especially interesting to read today. But now that I'm about 3/4ths of the way through it, I noticed that things REALLY picked up around Chapter 35. The prose is more consistently good, the plot is thickening, and lots of neat stuff is happening. I looked online to see when, exactly, those issues came out (it was published serially, like his other books) and found that the uptick in the quality of Chuzzlewit pretty neatly lines up with the period when Dickens wrote a little book on the side for extra cash called A Christmas Carol. He wrote that one strictly because he needed money, but comparing its quality to his OTHER Christmas books, and to the chapter of Chuzzlewit written a couple months before (which were largely just re-hashes of what he'd said about America in American Notes), one gets the idea that he must have been inspired. Chuzzlewit deserves to be rediscovered. For the most part, it's now known as everyone's choice when they want to name an obscure Dickens book (sort of like picking Millard Filmore when you want to name an obscure president). It's faint praise, but Martin Chuzzlewit is better as a book than Millard Fillmore was as a President.
Anyway, dispensing with the Dickens, I'm gearing up for THE SMART ALECK'S GUIDE TO HISTORY to come out in a couple of weeks - it could start showing up in stores any day now, really. Keep your eyes peeled! I haven't seen the final draft, just the advance copies, which were made with all of the printing errors intact (ie, there's a picture of The Berlin Wall where the caption says it's Nancy Reagan.) (which is actually pretty funny, too). And, the minute that's out, it'll be time for I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT (still looking for filkers to throw songs on to the soundtrack, hint hint!)
Home life is steady. I'm settling into a new day job as a copywriter for a music gear company - today I'll be writing 5-800 word blocks of copy about various bass guitars and accessories. I'm on a Monday-Friday schedule - first time I've done that in YEARS. Like, since about 7th grade, really. Having evenings and weekends off is quite a novelty for me. Unfortunately, having managed to employ myself as a writer and tour guide all these years, I'd fallen out of the habit of sitting at a desk or being on a schedule during the day, so THAT'S a bit of an adjustment. At home I've slowly customized my office to my own specifications - just the computer I want, the perfect chair for me, a wonderful rolltop desk with various gadgets and upgrades (I have totally pimped that desk). At work it's very different - I'm running a linux machine with a keyboard from one of those late 90s imacs that looked like a blueberry. BUT they're trying to find me another keyboard, and I've certainly never had a water cooler before. I dig the water cooler.
A BATMAN VILLAIN
(Tune of "An English Teacher" from Bye Bye Birdie)
Getting fired as a teacher was the best thing I could do
now I'm finally free to do
what I wanted to
finally,
finally,
muahahahaha!!
I remember when I told you
you should trust me for a year
it would just be for a year
but it's eight years, baby
Eight long years!
It was only a sideline, that's what I said
Only stealing equipment, that's what I said
I was going to the city and get ahead
instead of being a science-teaching bum
I was going to Gotham city…and become
A batman villain!
A batman villain, a batman villain
if only I'd been a batman villain
I'd dress in sick shades of purple and green
I steal you oodles of diamonds
just to admire the gleam
A man who's got a henchman
is really someone
how cruel I'd be if I only had one!
It would have been such a wonderful life
You could have been Mrs. Devious
Mrs. Dr. Devious
Mrs. "I'll kill the Dark Knight" Devious
the Batman Villain's wife!
Selzer, Adam
I KISSED A ZOMBIE, AND I LIKED IT
Ever since the post-humans (werewolves, vampires and zombies) revealed themselves to humans, high school for Alley has been a real drag. The guys are now all goth, and the girls are necrosexual, obsessed with vampires. Alley can't bear the post-human crowd; she doesn't understand why all the girls in school find it so dreamy to have a guy who's "crazy strong, but not strong enough to stay away from her." Then Alley falls for the fabulous musician Doug. Doug's a little pale, like all the goths in school, and maybe he smells a little funny, but she adores him and his killer taste in music. When Doug turns out to be a zombie, Alley has to overcome her prejudices to be with the man of her dreams. Simultaneously a scathing parody of the paranormal-romance genre and a sweetly romantic paranormal love story in its own right, Alley and Doug's courtship will even appeal to Twilight fans-at least, to those Twilight fans with a sense of humor about the object of their affections. Hilarious. (Fantasy. 12-14)
-Ran my last scheduled Weird Chicago tour last night. Starting a regular day job tomorrow, and focusing on tours for school/library type groups from now on.
-A couple of days ago I was interviewed for a public TV segment on The Fool Killer, the wreck of an 1840s submarine (or someone's attempt at a submarine, anyway) that was found in the Chicago River in 1915. I am probably the closest thing there is to an expert on the thing. It'll be on Chicago Tonight this week.
-I am going to be an Uncle!
-I bought an electric scooter - a Razor e325. I thought it would be a fun way to commute to the office. It only gets a top speed of maybe 10-15mph and doesn't handle hills well at ALL, but it's fun to play with. THis morning, having gotten up two hours before the cafe was going to open, I rode it to the office and back. Took about 10 minutes to get there on it, and 15 to get back (since it was lower on juice). If I take back roads, there are only a couple of traffic lights on the one mile trip. A bike would probably get me there faster, really, but I love the idea of scooting to work, with my cape fluttering in the breeze behind me.
- Oh, yeah! The cape! Some of you who've known me a while might remember my old greatcoat - the long black one with the shoulder cape. The vaguely Dickensian one. I'm bringing it back. Not that same exact one - I bought a nice, long winter coat this year, and hired someone on Etsy to make an elbow length coat that'll look like it belongs on the thing.
- Speaking of Dickens, I finished my re-read of Great Expectations last week. It MAY be my favorite book - the first half of it, especially, is just awesome. It's spooky, mysterious, hilarious and thought-provoking. The last third of it, though, sort of belongs to its time. I imagine Victorians, melodramatic as they were, probably really wanted to know who Estella's parents were. I think it was a waste of time. After Expectations, I read the new Georgia Nicolson book, then Anne of Green Gables, now I'm FINALLY getting around to Martin Chuzzlewit, which I'm enjoying (especially the scenes at Todger's).
Off to work tomorrow!
This is MUCH nicer than when they say I'm filthy and vulgar.
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adamselzer- Adam Selzer
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