Adam Selzer: King of the Wild Frontier - Some of My Worst Jobs

1. Host, PoFolks, Snellville, GA, 1997

I hadn't been in the south long when I took this job; this place was my true introduction to serious hicks. My customers had a strong tendency to be both rather dumb and exceptionally mean, and there was no real way to do a good job - if I got people sat rapidly, they servers couldn't keep up. If I made them wait, the hicks would really let me have it. One of my other hosts was an older woman with an IQ of about 1, but who considered herself my boss. She did not "sit someone in Brenda's section," she "done set Brender." I think the reason that many customers were so insistent that I spelled their name correctly was that it was the only word they knew how to spell. On Sunday afternoons, when the Southern Baptists arrived from the church across the street (which had a few thousand more members than the town had citizens), things got especially terrifying. I'm not sure who was dumber: the restaurant for giving out forest scene coloring sheets but didn't give out brown crayons, or the customers who thought coming to complain to me about this would make their life any better.

2. GSR (Guest Service Relations; ie, designated complaint-receiver) Fuddruckers, Snellville, GA, 1997

The customers here got a little rough here, too, but the manager and the other employees were the bad ones - everyone else was part of the marching band at my school's rival school (the closest I got to school spirit was hating our rival school), and they resented that I was breaking up the cartel. In my first week, the manager had me working the entire floor, which was supposed to be a four person job - and when we ran out of french fries, the natives got restless and took it out on me. Things came to a head when rumors went around among the employees that having curly hair meant that I was a gay satanist. Starting getting threats and harrassment. The manager said he liked me because "he could see a lot of himself in me." I've spent years wishing he would take that back.

3. barista, Starbucks, Decatur, GA, 2004

I worked at a few different Starbucks over the years - one was actually a very good job, but as they've veered away from "coffee skills" into "leadership skills," things have gotten worse. This particular one wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been for the damned drive-through window. Never got to know my customers, since I couldn't really talk to them with a headset buzzing in my ear. On the plus side, only one of the many managers had a problem with me asking people if they'd like fries with that. The one at which I worked in the loop might have been just as bad, due to poor management, but I wasn't there long enough to tell.

4. bagboy, Publix, Snellville, GA, 1997-98

The real problem here was just that I hated bagging groceries. A place has a lot of nerve to pay minimum wage and still put up signs that say "no tipping." My boss once told me I should be working so hard that I was sweating. I told him straight up that A: nobody wants the bagboy to sweat on their food, and B: I didn't sweat for what they were paying me. This is probably tied with the bagboy job I had in Urbandale, Iowa, in 94-95, but at least that store was better. Much nicer breakroom, and, since I was 14, my hours weren't so bad.

5. server, Bubba Gump Shrimp, Chicago, 2005

I never want to see "Forrest Gump" again. This job had me wearing trucker hats and forced to give Forrest Gump trivia to every table. The hours were long and very hot, and our customers were about 98% tourists - we got some cool people, but also probably more than our share of whiny jerks. To top it off, the manager communicated by shouting at people. You couldn't really take it personally when you got shouted at - that was just how she communicated. She once had me working in the pouring rain, then shouted at me for being wet.


So, yes. I'm really pissed off that the GOP kept the minimum wage increase from passing the other day - it's the same today as it was when I was at PoFolks. I'm very, very glad not to be working a job like this at the moment, but the people who do deserve (and need) more than $5.15 an hour. Congress has had a 30k raise since then - why is that only the people who DO make enough to live on deserve cost of living increases? I know, I know, a raise on minimum wage could make other costs go up, but that's going to happen anyway. Surely they don't think the price of gas tripling since minimum wage last went up hasn't hurt the workers?