Adam Selzer: King of the Wild Frontier - If I Run For Congress, This is My Stump Speech

In the early 90's, I was the "Star Wars Kid" at my school. People thought I was a nut for being into Star Wars. A few years later, everyone was into it. Now we seem to have arrived back at the point where people think you're nuts - it's far cooler to spend time talking about Lord of the Rings and saying "George Lucas raped my childhood by doing (blank)" than it is to say that Revenge of the Sith ruled.

Oh well. However, there is one thing about Star Wars where I think everyone can come to an agreement - in fact, I'm so certain of bipartisan support that, if I run for congress, I will make this part of my stump speech:



My fellow Americans, there are many issues upon which we, as a nation, are divided. We are divided on whether global warming is a real threat, and will likely remain as such no matter how much evidence is gathered. We are divided on how best to organize health care, and how best to fight the war on terror. But there comes a time when we must look past our differences, and realize that there are things upon which we all agree.

So it is with the goal of bringing people together that, if elected, the first bill I present to congress will be the Han Shot First (Bitch) Act. For even as we disagree upon matters of foreign and domestic policy, we can all pull together in the knowledge that Han Solo shot Greedo in cold blood, and rest secure in the knowledge that attempts tell us otherwise have fallen upon deaf ears.

What follows is the text of the bill I will submit to to the honorable house of representatives:


HR.1138:EB

A BILL

To amend Episode IV of the Star Wars Trilogy to provide an accurate account of historical events depicted in the Mos Eisley cantina, and for other purposes.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the `Han Shot First (Bitch) act of 2006'.

SEC. 2. PURPOSE.

The purpose of this Act is to--

(1) to establish that Han Solo shot Greedo in cold blood

(2) reduce misleading revisionist history;

(3) provide future generations with an accurate acount; and

(4) to recognize this that everyone knows and can agree upon this version of events.

SEC. 3. ITEMIZED SECTION OF REQUISITE ACTIONS.

(a) IN GENERAL- Section 1138A of Episode IV (v1997 SE) is amended by eliminating the following subsection:
(n) the crappily-animated sequence designed to make it appear that Greedo shot first.

(b) IN GENERAL- Section 1138A of Episode IV (v2004 DVD) is ammended by eliminating the following subsection:
(n) the slightly less crappily-animated sequence designed to make it appear that Greedo shot first.

`(2) 30-DAY PERIOD TO RECEIVE REVISIONS -

`(A) IN GENERAL- Not later than 30 days after the date on which a request under paragraph (1) has been received, George Lucas must revise past revisions.

`(3) TERMS OF SURRENDER -

`(A) IN GENERAL- Not later than 90 days after the passage of this bill, George Lucas must address the nation, admitting to past wrongdoing in regards to the misleading matter of presentation of the events recounted in Episode IV in which he has engaged since 1997. Wheras he has issued a t-shirt admitted that Han Shot first, in light of which he will remain out of prison, he must confess that any attempts made by him to indicate that events happened differently were deliberate attempts to mislead the public regarding the nature of Han Solo before the Princess Leia Organa got him to settle down.

(B) Keeping in mind that Han might not REALLY be settled down; if we disregard the follow-up novels as non-canonical, it is worth noting that our last known knowledge of the character of Han Solo derives from Episode VI, which takes place shortly after Solo's release from being frozen in carbonite, and, if being frozen in carbonite is anything like being frozen in Chicago, it'll take about six weeks for him to get his balls back.


(thanks to Seth, a conversation with whom led to this idea).